April 17, 2008 My Meltdown

**I'm really sorry for the late post...but I think you will understand after you read this**

Last night, I was offered the 2 bedroom apartment for a week from the hospital. I am fine with sleeping on the couch in the 1 bedroom...and asked them to find another family to bless. Kathy came back to me and said that no one could take it because it was only for a week, and she would really like me to take it and the Fortney's keep the 1 bedroom. So I took my suitcase down to the 2nd floor right before bed and unpacked it in the other apt. It was a little scary, and I couldn't fall asleep because my mind raced about all the unfinished business that I still have to do...but I fell asleep around 3 this morning. It was nice to sleep in a bed again.

Kaydence's nurse claimed that she refused to eat from a bottle all last night, so she pulled her feeding tube from her mouth and put it in her nose. I am not the happiest person about that, and I wish she would have called me first...but what's done is done. I don't like the tube in her nose AT ALL, but if she does well with her feeds they will remove it soon. A new nurse took over at 7 a.m., and she has been sucking the bottles down by mouth in less than a minute each time. Hmm....makes me think why Kaydence all of a sudden refused the bottle, and only for that nurse. These are the times where I wish I could sleep by her crib and never leave the hospital.

Kathy, my favorite person from Concierge Services, told me that my social worker is complaining that I have been put into the apartments for too long, and was questioning her why she has allowed me to stay in them up to this point. The social worker accused Kathy of being prejudice against other families and not breaking the two apartments up in small increments to each family so everything is "equal". Now, yesterday Kathy walked around twice and asked each and every family if they wanted the one apartment for the week, and both attempts were turned down by all the families. Most families are staying at the Ronald McDonald House, and they are fearful that they will lose their spot there if they leave.

My social worker is the only person up to this point that makes my blood boil, and I just avoid her so we don't have to speak. Larry and I pleaded for assistance from her when we first arrived, and she continued to blow us off. We went to the other social worker, and she said that she was not allowed to help us because we were not assigned to her. So a few days ago, we just decided to focus on doing all the research ourselves and start thinking about fundraisers to help out. So for Kathy to tell me this morning that our social worker is trying to start problems with me staying in the apartments...makes me extremely upset. I went down and grabbed something to eat so I could think it through, and I decided that I am not going to address the issue with her. It will not change this woman, and it would only cause conflict with her and Kathy. I'm going to let it slide off of me, and hope that she doesn't cause problems with me being able to stay near Kaydence. My grandmother used to always tell me to "kill them with kindness" when I was a little girl.

So I went up and spent the day checking in on the baby, making sure I was there for every feed, gave her a bath when the nurse told me it was time to, helped the nurse weigh her, and helped the nurse out with all the routine checks that have to be done. In between that time, I was calling a ton of people to make sure that all my paperwork is squared away with my job and getting physicians to sign off on medical documents for me. Paula, the day nurse, kept asking me if I was going to Kangaroo Care today but I declined because I could tell she was very tired. I wanted to let her rest, and I would Kangaroo with her another day soon.

Shift change at 7 p.m. came along, and Kaydence had the same nurse as last night. There was no hello, no smile...instead, she immediately walked up to me and started scolding me. I froze, and couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was extremely uncalled for, and she was accusing me of things that I did not do. Doug Fortney just happened to be standing there because we were going to leave the hospital in a few minutes to go back to the apartments. She said that I was exhausting my child, and that I was causing her to regress. She also told me that I was too involved in what the hospital was doing for my daughter and that most parents stay home and let the nurses do their jobs. That her only concern was for the babies and not the parents, so she was going to tell me what I needed to hear. These types of comments went on and on while I stood there doing everything I could to hold back tears. She said that I should not be holding my daughter at all and that to Kangaroo Care with her yesterday for almost an hour was way too long. I should not be holding her when I feed her because it makes her use too many calories, and that I should not even be Kangaroo Caring at all when she is in an isolette/incubator. I kept telling myself to think of a nice place,--not to focus on her insulting words--not to cry in front of her--not to scream and start cursing her out--and especially not to hit her in her mouth (even though I wanted to do all those things). I did fine, and I took it all in and did not argue with her at all. I was choking up but did not let any tears fall until she brought up my husband and my other daughter. I guess she was realizing that I was getting ready to cry, so she starts asking about where my husband was and how my other daughter felt about being a big sister and how often she had come to visit. I LOST IT, and started bawling my eyes out. "My husband isn't here, he is 8 1/2 hours away...and my daughter isn't here because we live too far away for me to stay with her, and she has only seen the baby twice...and I can't talk to her on the phone very much because I don't have any phone signal in the hospital." I grabbed all my things as fast as I could and I walked out of the room. My day nurse, Paula was still there and she grabbed my shoulders and told me that everything would be okay and to get some rest.

I went back to the room and threw the biggest pity party for myself. Looking at the whole day now that it is over...I really needed that cry. I have not had a solid cry since we found out that Kaydence had the SCT on December 28, 2007. I had been holding back so much tension and stress for all those months...and I finally let it all out. I am surprised that the people in the apartments next to me didn't come to check on me because it was a very loud, drawn out cry. I know that it is okay to have those times, and I knew that I would eventually have my meltdown...but I am upset that my night nurse was the final reason for it to come. I did not want to have a meltdown and be so far away from my husband. I really wanted to be in his arms, and I wanted us to have our big cry together. I feel like she took that from me for reasons that were unjust.

Sleep was difficult, even though my eyes were just about swelled shut. My eyes were closed, but my mind kept rewinding over how the day went so sour. Why is a social worker, who is supposed to be there to help me, instead is trying to hurt me? How could the night nurse even come up with the accusations that she did about me? Why was she so cold hearted and mean to me when I am there to be proactive parent...not someone who is causing harm to my child? Why is she telling me that I am doing everything wrong, when all I am doing is following what all the nurses and physicians are telling me to do? The physician told me to hold her during feeds, the nurses trained me how to feed her, the physician asked why I hadn't Kangaroo Cared yet, and the nurses are the ones that told me to do it for at least an hour, etc. She made me feel like a horrible parent to both of my children. I felt like I should "let" the nurses do their jobs, and my place is at home to be with Kaylee and not expect other people to raise her while I am at the baby's crib side. The thought of even holding her hand in the isolette choked me up and I was scared to show up at the hospital in the morning.

It was a really hard to hold all my frustrations in today. It was truly the biggest test I have had so far in my life to not lose my cool and go completely crazy. If I did and said everything I wanted to, I would have been handcuffed and escorted off that property. Honestly, all I could think about were my Pastors and my church. "Would Kevin and Beth be proud of me right now if I lost my cool? What if someone from my church that looked up to me saw my outburst? What if a mom in that room was searching for Christ, would I draw her to him?" Granted, I walked out of that hospital with more hurt in my heart than I have ever felt from a person...but I held my head high. I know that I am a better person for not pulling all that negativity out on her. My dad told me something last August that really stuck with me. He said to never argue with a fool, because someone walking by could get the two of you confused. He's right.