April 28, 2008 Cancer?!?!?!?!?!

I drove back to DC this afternoon to stay with the baby for the week. Now, I have been away from her for 5 very long days, and we have been calling to check on her during that time. I wanted to know the results of the MRI, and each nurse told me that they were not notified of the results. While I am driving today, I called and asked the nurse what the physicians said during rounds. I specifically asked her if there was any word on a possible surgery. She said no, and that she too did not know anything about the MRI.

I get to Kaydence's cribside and let her know that I was back. I talked to the nurse and told her that I wanted to talk to a resident about the MRI. My motherly instinct told me something was shady, and I wanted to get down to the bottom of it. I left the room because she told me that someone would be around in 15 or 20 minutes. Next thing I know I see my baby being pushed down the hall to an elevator! My heart was in my throat and I freaked out! I ended up scaring the nurse because I frantically ran up to her asking her where she was going with my baby! She was fumbling over her words and told me she was going down for another MRI. How many freaking MRI's do they need to do, and why!!! She corrected herself and said that my baby needed a cat scan on her thoracic area rather than an MRI. Again.....why?!?!? She told me to go in and talk to the resident.

I was scared out of my mind, because I knew all along that they were keeping something from me. I just knew the MRI showed something bad while I was gone...because the nurses are fully informed of her status, and each one told me that they didn't know. Dr. Justin came over to where I was sitting and had a very long talk with me. The MRI showed that she has another teratoma (tumor) on her posterial sacrum area. It is a little higher up from where her last tumor was, and they don't know if it is a reminant of the last one, or a new one. The reason the MRI from Saturday took 4 hours was because they wanted to scan her entire body for any other tumors that may be growing. Today, they ordered a cat scan of her thoracic area to see if there were any lesians (masses) on her lungs. They now have the oncology department staying close on her case, and they will be discussing her condition with the "tumor board" on Wednesday night to discuss which day they will conduct the surgery and treatments.
---So what does all that mean in our language? Kaydence has another tumor (1.5 x 2 in size) on her butt area. It is a little higher up than the last one, and they are not sure if it is a new one or left over from her last one. Oncology deals with tumors and cancerous masses, and they are concerned that it is cancerous. They wanted to make sure that it has not spread throughout her body and that the possible cancer did not spread yet. Wednesday night, they will set a date and she will have another surgery to remove this tumor. If it is cancerous, she will immediately have chemotherapy treatments.

I listened to Justin as hard as I could without losing my focus. I broke down right at the end and started to cry because all these questions were filling my body up. What about her brain bleed? What about the ASD (hole in her heart), can her heart handle another surgery? What about anesthesia, morphine, possible chance of infection? Cancer!!!! Chemotherapy!!!! Is my baby going to survive? He answered all the questions honestly, and told me that with certain chemotherapy treatments....there are known cases of cardiac arrest. So yea, there is a chance that she will not come home, and that scares me to death.

I didn't want to text Larry and tell him the news. I knew that I would be a mess and that would get him all upset. I texted him and asked him to call and talk to a resident... but he knew that something was wrong. So I did what I could and told him what I knew. He admitted that it is hard to keep his faith when Kaydence keeps getting hit with more battles to fight. He just wants to know when it is going to let up. I wanted him to come to the hospital to be there with me, but I didn't want to ask. Today was his first day back to work in Martinsburg...I don't want him to miss any days. He kept telling me that everything was going to be okay, and that she is going to be fine. I knew that he wasn't sure if she really would be though.

So, let's look at the positive:
She passed her hearing test today
I brought in more breast milk and she is back on it for her feeds
Her bowel movements are still regular
I started my herbal supplements to help with breast milk production
She took a whole bottle (43 cc's) by mouth from me at the 6 p.m. feed
She is very alert when she is awake
She is gaining weight

**I know that she is a gift from God, and I know that he is the provider of life. He chose to give us this miracle child, and he would not give us any more than we can handle. She has touched our hearts and shaped our souls more than we could have ever imagined. All of this is happening for a reason, and we may not ever know why. We have to keep our faith in him, because he has the final decision on where her life is. Her condition may not be what we wanted to sign up for when we wanted to have another baby, but no one signs up for an unhealthy baby. God gave us Kaydence because he knew we would be excellent parents, and he knew we could handle her condition. There are plenty of parents out there that would not be able to cope with the news that they were pregnant with a baby that had a sacrococcygeal teratoma. Those parents would have opted to terminate their pregnancy. God knew that we wouldn't, and we would do anything in our power to make sure that she would have the best life possible. Larry, Kaylee and I are still continuing to do that. Kaylee is so proud to be her sister, and she has never complained that Kaydence has something wrong with her. She has never questioned why God is allowing the baby to go through all of this, so why should we? She loves that baby unconditionally, and talks about her all the time. She knows in her heart that everything will work out and her sister will come home one day. Who are we to shatter that faith when we know that God is amazing.

Please continue to keep Kaydence in your prayers. Share this blog with friends and family so they too can help keep our baby strong in prayer. It's going to be a long road to recovery, but there will be a recovery!